Realizing... I am scared straight.


It's wild!  I'm a mom.  Everything I ever wanted and she is an angel.  She sleeps, eats, poops and smiles ...then all over again.  I am getting good sleep at night and offered tons of babysitting.  Heck I'm already working.

I have dodged the baby blues (for now) 

So why do I feel so on edge.  Why do I feel unable to just relax? 

If you have followed my blog then you know of my IVF struggle.  See here for recap.  Then there was my struggles in pregnancy. Is that it? I was so guilt ridden from IVF that I never really let myself say outloud that my PREGNANCY WAS HARD!  Very hard on both me and my husband.   

It all started with our IVF surgeries. The typical recoveries into the 2 week wait before the big pregnancy test.  In this time my grandfather had suddenly gone down hill and was admitted to a hospice. Naturally I wanted to be there when he passed and I was. The next morning I had the worst flu of my life. 102 temperature and sick for 3 days I was certain that this round had failed. I am happy to report I was wrong!!!
Fast forward to week 14 pregnant. I had some major gushing bleeding episodes, once a week for about 5 weeks.  No conclusion for sure what it was but I was treated as if it was a placenta abruption.  I was put on pelvic rest until the 3rd trimester. No working out. No intercourse. 
As the weeks went on and my belly started to grow I started having bad ligament pains. They were so bad and were joined by a pelvic hernia at about 16 weeks. I didn't know what it was until almost the 3rd trimester. Funny I thought it was ligament pains as well.  
Last but not the least in the second trimester the Dr.'s saw some extra fluid around our baby's brain. All ended well but I was heavily monitored and sent to Boston Children's Hospital for a MRI and ultrasounds on top of the many ultrasounds leading up to it and after.

Through it all I was pregnant! That's what I told myself at least. I have no business complaining, I would think and tell myself.  So I didn't.  I had no place, no safe place to be scared, tired or uneasy. My tough times aka: IVF were over... Right?  I was suppose to glow and be the super grateful person everyone around me wanted to see.

I sit here typing with one hand and holding my baby in the other. You are not alone, I hope to tell you. Who ever you are at what ever point in your journey. This journey is never ending and the pains we felt/feel does carry on in a small way. Maybe to protect the future in a backwards way. Accepting my journey and moving on is my goal at hand now.

I don't miss being pregnant. I know this since people asking made me ponder on this. I wish I did but it's ok to be honest. Things still didn't go as planned, even after the positive test. I am no longer living in fear. I know this now. I was walking around scared straight all the time. I walk with enjoyment now! It was all worth it.

I follow so many blogs. Many have suffered great loss or are continuing their struggles with infertility. I'm not sure who follows me and who doesn't but my heart goes out to all of you as at times like this I think about the circle of infertility.

Thanks for reading :)






2 comments:

  1. I found the anxiety of infertility (rather sub-fertility) and pregnancy followed me for a while after birth, but it got slowly better. I think my daughter was about 3 months old before I realized, on a deep emotional level, that nothing bad actually *happened.* I worried so much about bad things happening I almost felt like they had. I am glad that things are going so well for you!

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  2. Same feelings here, it's like you can never relax and feel like you can't 'complain' because after all, you are pregnant. But I can say I won't miss being pregnant either, it's been rough. I can say I'll probably miss feeling him moving around in my belly though :)

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