IVF turned this girl into a woman

Thank you to all of you for all your kind words and support.  I wrote this prior to my last round of IVF.  Reading it again brings me right back to a place of peace.  Thought I would share it with you all.


Here we go again..  I am about to embark on my 3rd round of IVF.  I would have never guessed back in my younger years that it would not be until my mid 30s that I would finally be trying to conceive a baby.  You see I was one of those girls who thought I'd have 4 kids by the age of thirty.   There it is.. "girl" I am not a "girl" anymore am I!   Never have I ever been so proud to say those words.
"I am not a "girl" anymore"

One year ago this month I embarked on my first round of IVF.  Exited, nervous and scared I just new that I would get pregnant the first try.  Things always seem to go my way.  As I stood in my bathroom with all the medication spread out on the counter I didn't know how I was going to be able to do it.  Inject myself with a large needle.   "Do I have to do this?"  I thought to myself.  
After a phone call with a Dr. on call I hung up the phone, wiped my tears and decide I have no choice.  The idea of IVF was different than the reality of 10pm in my bathroom crying.
Long story longer I did it and never looked back.  I have to date injected myself dozens of times and don't mind it one bit.  I feel proud to be so strong and know how hard it was for me that first night.  

I did get pregnant!  It was a wonderful time.  We had put back 2 eggs and saw 1 sac then 1 sac with a fetal pole and heart beat!  It seemed as though there was no defining moment of Yes you are pregnant!  It felt hard to celebrate ..or maybe we somehow knew.  At about 11 weeks I got violently ill.  I was up all night throwing up for seemingly no reason.  Two days later we found out the baby stopped growing and had no heart beat. We were devastated beyond belief.  For me a piece of me died.   

The idea of having a baby was something I wanted since I can remember.  I waited so extra long and had to go down this awful path to find out I needed to have a DNC.  After the surgery was over I  just wanted to sleep and sleep for days.  I fell into a depression / soul searching / life limbo that lasted about 8 months.  (I did seek out therapy as soon as 2 months) I came out the other side enlightened!  
"I came out the other side enlightened"

Enlightened, loved, accepted and best of all accepting of myself my relationship and my life, being faced with the fact of losing a baby and possibly never becoming a mom made me think about myself deeper than I thought possible.  Who am I really?  Am I ok not having children with my husband?  What would my life be like and what do I have to offer the world?  my relationship?
Well..  the answers I found amazed me and positivity has poured into all areas of my life.  

So here we go again.. I am about to embark on my third round of IVF and I have never been so exited.  It may work this time or it may take another try after that.  Who knows?  but I plan to enjoy the whole process!  I am thankful for the little things and grateful for life itself.  I have soul searched and realized I am not a "girl" anymore and I do not want the same things I did then.  I want one baby not four and this is amazing I had the time to see and figure this out.  I am healthier than ever being the woman I have always dreamed I'd be..  happy, healthy. positive and for-filled.  




3 comments:

  1. Much news been heard about this new infertility therapy and people must go for this at least and hope for the best.

    Infertility Treatments

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for sharing this. I'll be sure to keep you in my thoughts. My name is Heather and I was hoping you would be able to answer a question I have about your blog. If you could email me whenever you get a free moment at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com I would greatly appreciate it :-)

    ReplyDelete

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