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My Infertility Melt Down

As many of you know I have been struggling with infertility for years now.  I have completed 4 rounds of IVF and am about to start my 5th round sometime soon.

I am realizing that I am completely freeking out!  
Like everyday ..all the time!
I am: Anxious, Moody, Bajigidy, Stressed, Sad, Mad, Angry and Scared Shitless!  
I just can not shake it and this is most upsetting.   am trying so hard to have "hope" and to "live in the moment" but reality is feeling very heavy that this may just not work.

Desperate to feel better going into this round do any of you have any tips on how to stay optimistic?
I am currently drying breathing technics for my anxiety and stress.

Thanks :(

*IVF UPDATE* Round #5 Taking the Positive Road

I am officially a lady in waiting.  Round 5 is Pending.  I have control over when it will actually happen but I think I have decided to start injections around early/mid November.

If you have been through the roller coaster of previous IUI or IVF rounds you may be the only people that truly understand.  This is not meaning to sound insensitive or aloof to anyones feelings for what you may have endured but the toll it has taken on me, my spirit, my body and emotions is reckless and unforgiving.  

Round #1 - I felt so exited!  I just knew that it would work and hey if it didn't it would the next round.

Round #2 - I had survived a pregnancy loss at 11 weeks terminated with DNC.  I had let time go by and felt hopeful - exited even.  I really wanted to be a mom and pondered a lot about the # of eggs to put back. 

Round #3 - I was a seasoned pro.  I went to every appointment by myself and thought to myself "sweaty.. don't drag him to every appointment"  to all the other woman.  I felt entitled.  It had been a lot of appointments.  Too many blood draws to count. Ultrasounds and injections.  I was a robot.

Round #4 - Starting to get nervous I was still exited.  I made a whopping amount of eggs over 1 dozen!  But sadly only 1 poor quality embryo was formed.  

This was about 6 months ago.  I am finally back to "normal" 
The drugs are what kill me.  I turn into a different person.  A lesser version of me and the sad thing is when I am in the moment I think I am myself.  My poor husband.  It takes months to wash it away!  

Round #5 - Is Now.  This is our last round. I am feeling exited.  It has been since the first round that my husband came to any appointments.  
  • I have decided to have him at both the retrieval and transfer this time.  
  • No talk of this not working allowed
  • Positive
  • Enjoying each day as a gift
  • I am allowing myself to google baby stuff, dream about being a mom
pic form my first round

9 Things I Say To Myself When I Am Running

1. "Why the hell am I doing this?" 

2. "This sucks" 

3. "o.k. if I can just make it to the next corner" 

4. "Shit is that a dog" 

5. "Why didn't I update my playlist" 

6. "I've only run 1/2 a mile? I'm dying" 

7. "Crap another runner" 

8. "ok I could keep going" 

9. "OMG I did it!"

When that moments comes and you finish your first race (or for me first race in 7 years)
AMAZING!  Such a good feeling!  

My Anniversary! Wedding Pictures

It's Our 2nd Wedding Anniversary today! 
I can not think of a better way to celebrate than posting pics!  

When we were talking about getting married the hardest decision for us was where.  Hometown area or a secluded beach somewhere alone or with my husbands 3 kids.   After much hemming and hawing it fell on my lap.  I just knew that there was no option.  We could not run away and get married even with both of us having been married before.   There are children involved.  No matter what we wanted for ourselves... No matter what the support was or was not around us.. the right thing to do was to stand firm ..at home and get married with family and friends invited and hopefully there.

We both forgo-ed a bridal party and had my husbands kids stand with us.
They were are whole lives at the time and are forever.

DIY flowers and decor.

Acupuncture for Zero Sperm Round #5 Update

Update on our IVF Round #5

We have decided to push our final frozen round until the end of the year.  To refreeze the sperm is something like $1500 a year to be paid Jan 1st if we still want to keep it frozen. We would like to avoid that fee.  

In speaking with my acupuncturist, she is convinced that she can help.  She believes that she can get his zero sperm count up to an ok range that we may have a chance of doing a fresh round.  I am feeling very pessimistic about this but..  can't help be curious.  
I have done a little research and am intrigued to understand that their is an actual chance!

She has him on a herbs called Vital Treasure.  6 pills 2x a day
The list of ingredients are endless but this is suppose to get everything going.
So he will be going once a week (like me) up until November while continuously taking these herbal pills. 

I'll for sure post the results then

Survivor Themed Birthday Party

Our Family DIY Survivor Birthday Party
 Hunter turned 11 this past July
and asked specifically for a Survivor themed party!  
He asked 1 year in advance and asked 
if I would plan it so I felt the pressure!
We ordered a $10 trophy for the winner and a 
$4 trophy for 1st loser!
Many people including woman at trophy store were skeptical saying "one winner?!! they are only 11" 
But seriously..?  there is only one winner in survivor and in the end I am so happy we did it!  Kids were all great sports and loved the competition!  Besides they expected one winner!

Upon arriving painted their name on a frame
We hung the frames on a tiki torch for each kid
Tribal counsel was set up at the far side of the yard

I ordered these adorable invitations on Etsy
We used paper bags for the hidden $1 a bag of 50 for the hidden immunity clue

 I pre designated 2 camp sites with colored numbers

I forgot to take a pic bu tin the bags on the ground are buffs they drew rocks for
Drawing for teams with painted rocks
Tribe names to be chosen and painted! 

Noodle Challenge
1 Noodle 3 beach balls
first to 3 goals wins!

Tribal Counsel  Their tourch got snuffed but they remained in the game
another twist they could also still vote! 

Vote casting

Reading of the votes

Once voted out you get to chose who gets to read hidden immunity clue
Nice twist!


Toilet Paper Challenge!
Phrase scrambler!  Hunter Loves bacon so this is funny
Water cup challenge!  Intense!

First Voted Out!! 
Final 2
Dollar Store decor!
Final Speaches!
Old votes!

When it was over smores!  :)

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