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IVF turned this girl into a woman

Thank you to all of you for all your kind words and support.  I wrote this prior to my last round of IVF.  Reading it again brings me right back to a place of peace.  Thought I would share it with you all.


Here we go again..  I am about to embark on my 3rd round of IVF.  I would have never guessed back in my younger years that it would not be until my mid 30s that I would finally be trying to conceive a baby.  You see I was one of those girls who thought I'd have 4 kids by the age of thirty.   There it is.. "girl" I am not a "girl" anymore am I!   Never have I ever been so proud to say those words.
"I am not a "girl" anymore"

One year ago this month I embarked on my first round of IVF.  Exited, nervous and scared I just new that I would get pregnant the first try.  Things always seem to go my way.  As I stood in my bathroom with all the medication spread out on the counter I didn't know how I was going to be able to do it.  Inject myself with a large needle.   "Do I have to do this?"  I thought to myself.  
After a phone call with a Dr. on call I hung up the phone, wiped my tears and decide I have no choice.  The idea of IVF was different than the reality of 10pm in my bathroom crying.
Long story longer I did it and never looked back.  I have to date injected myself dozens of times and don't mind it one bit.  I feel proud to be so strong and know how hard it was for me that first night.  

I did get pregnant!  It was a wonderful time.  We had put back 2 eggs and saw 1 sac then 1 sac with a fetal pole and heart beat!  It seemed as though there was no defining moment of Yes you are pregnant!  It felt hard to celebrate ..or maybe we somehow knew.  At about 11 weeks I got violently ill.  I was up all night throwing up for seemingly no reason.  Two days later we found out the baby stopped growing and had no heart beat. We were devastated beyond belief.  For me a piece of me died.   

The idea of having a baby was something I wanted since I can remember.  I waited so extra long and had to go down this awful path to find out I needed to have a DNC.  After the surgery was over I  just wanted to sleep and sleep for days.  I fell into a depression / soul searching / life limbo that lasted about 8 months.  (I did seek out therapy as soon as 2 months) I came out the other side enlightened!  
"I came out the other side enlightened"

Enlightened, loved, accepted and best of all accepting of myself my relationship and my life, being faced with the fact of losing a baby and possibly never becoming a mom made me think about myself deeper than I thought possible.  Who am I really?  Am I ok not having children with my husband?  What would my life be like and what do I have to offer the world?  my relationship?
Well..  the answers I found amazed me and positivity has poured into all areas of my life.  

So here we go again.. I am about to embark on my third round of IVF and I have never been so exited.  It may work this time or it may take another try after that.  Who knows?  but I plan to enjoy the whole process!  I am thankful for the little things and grateful for life itself.  I have soul searched and realized I am not a "girl" anymore and I do not want the same things I did then.  I want one baby not four and this is amazing I had the time to see and figure this out.  I am healthier than ever being the woman I have always dreamed I'd be..  happy, healthy. positive and for-filled.  




How to Jump Start Your New Diet Routine


I am very exited to share this post with you all.  My best friend asked for my help with her fitness routine.  She said "I need someone to stay on me and hold me accountable".  A fitness freak myself in a place where I need to feel better about myself I am happy to help and join in!

She is a working mom and from what I gather needs to be way more active day to day but does not have the leniency of a babysitter on call.
What I told her I will tell you.

What You Will Need

  • Pedometer
  • Notebook
  • Water Bottle or Container
  • Yoga Mat
  • Free Weights 5, 8, 10 pounds
  • Ankle Weights
  • Baby Jogger

There are three things you can do straight away to jump start your new lifestyle. 

  1. Buy or put on you Pedometer
  2. Get a Notebook
  3. Get a Container or Jug for Water


Pedometer:  Starting the day you put it on you will have to take 10,000 steps a day.  That is the average amount of steps a person should be doing!   Sounds easy right..?  It can actually be pretty challenging!  Especially if you have a desk job.  Some days you may have to step touch your way through your favorite TV shows. 
What it will do:  Get your body flowing, your heart rate up and those fat cells burning.

Get a Notebook: One that will fit in your purse and name it!  Seriously you can refer to this notebook by its name.  It is your new best friend and it will be going with your everywhere!  
What to write in it:  Everything  you put in your mouth.  Food, drink, vitamin and also your worker including steps for the day.
What it will do:  Hold you accountable

Water Jug: You are now on a mission to consume more water each day than humanly possible.  
Why?: Water will flush all the toxins out, make your skin beautiful, help you burn calories and speed your metabolism.  I have a pitcher on my counter and a 16 ounce jug for the car/work. 

Now Get Moving! 

Every Day you will need to do 10,000 steps minimum.

3 days a week you will need to pick it up a bit and run, use the elliptical, stair climber or what ever you would like an intense 20 minutes.  10-15 minute regular pace cool down after.  

2 days LEGS and ABS:  Squats, Lunges, (hold weights in hands while doing when desired) Leg lifts (ankle wieghts), Planks and Sit ups (any other as well) 

The other 2 days ARMS: Use free weights or go to gym and use machines.  You can also do push ups.

This is 7 workouts!  You can combine them on the same days if desired.  I suggest to have a 2 day rest after legs or arms.  


Cheat Meals

Ok so you want a night off.  Take it!  Never deprive yourself of that piece of cake or glass of wine.  What you need to understand is it is a cheat not a throw in the towel.  One piece of cake won't kill your plan but..  2 pieces of pizza a piece of cake and 3 glasses of wine will!  
Try not to justify your hard work with last minute indulgence.  Pre plan your cheat meals and stick to just that.  






IVF #3 it's official. BFN

I got the call this morning at about 9:30am that my beta was 0.  As I suspected I wasn't too surprised.   So... happy I didn't test early. That would have stabbed my heart deeper. 
  
As per usual on every IVF cycle of mine to date - one of my good friends announced today their 2nd pregnancy in 2 years with an "I'm going to be a big sister" picture on Facebook.   I think I was even looking at it when I got the all.  Oh well.  

I have decided to take a few days to emotionally recover, let go of past dreams and find some things to look forward to.  


1dp3dt - 10dp3dt Symptoms

Sorry i have not updated recently.  I have been going crazy..!  Literally haha..  I hate being on these meds I am a different person.  Well, tomorrow is the big day.  Beta #1.  I have not broke down and tested but I have to say I have little hope.  Other that a headache and back pain I have no symptoms.  ..And I am on progesterone! 

Here are my 2ww Symptoms day by day.

1dp3dt

Feeling very crampy still from retrieval but every day healing more.  I am on progesterone now.
I have decided to take it easy for a few days and let my body heal.  I still walked down to get my stepson from school but did not workout.

2dp3dt

Mind was elsewhere did not think much about it this day.  Tried to just take it easy.  Feeling really exited that I could actually be pregnant!  OMG!!   How exiting this year will be.

3dp3dt

Made a vow not to take a home pregnancy test.  I have made theta mistake in past IVF rounds and don't want to put myself through that again.  I want to try to enjoy this moment and stay hopeful.
My boobs have become very full and are sore.

4dp3dt

Hoping to feel some twinges soon!   I have felt a few cramps but nothing major.  No signs of implantation yet.  Boobs still sore.

5dp3dt

Nada...

6dp3dt

Again Nada..  Feeling down but still hopeful!

7dp3dt

Tonight I felt some twinges to the left of my bellybutton.  For Sure!  Exiting I wonder if it is my still healing or something else ;) Starting to feel like this may have worked!  Mild cramps, pulling sensation behind belly button, mild headache and a backache.

8dp3dt

Hmmm..  boobs are no longer sore.  Not sure when this happened. No more sensations in the uterus :(
I still have a headache and a backache.  Seems to be getting worse.

9dp3dt

Same symptoms as yesterday.  Add in tons of emotion.  I am an emotional mess.  This just isn't normal.

10dp3dt

Well I have lost hope.  I cried this morning twice.  I have no sensation what so ever as I had in my last IVF rounds.  I feel like the meds make me a little crazy or maybe it is just this twisted situation we are in.  Blood is tomorrow.  I am so nervous.  My boobs have deflated along with all my hope.
What will I do if this didm;t work???

11dp3dt

Tomorrow

BF?

My Morning Smoothie

My Morning Smoothie
Great for Energy!  

Spinach
Kale
Green Apple
Blackberry
Ginger
Carrots
Celery 
Fish Oil
Aloe Vera
Coconut Water

Yummy!   






My Caffeine Substitute!

When trying to conceive and throughout pregnancy we have to give up quite a few things

  • Hot baths
  • Wine (and alcohol)
  • Sushi (raw fish)
  • Cold Cuts
  • and Caffeine!
I am currently in my 2ww week wait after a round of IVF In Vitro Fertilization.  After my 2 weeks is up I will start blood work to see if an embryo implanted.  In the meanwhile I have to act as though I am pregnant.  
I potentially could be right now!   

I have been able to kick most of these habits in the weeks leading up to my injections.  Most recently I have had a hard time with caffeine.  My husband and I have a routine of coffee in the morning and tea at night!  I have realized that it is less the tea itself but the warm tasty to sip on.  The past few nights I have sipped on chicken broth.  It is delicious, low in calories and satisfying.  

It is a cold day here in Ma and I am actually sipping on some now too!  


I do realize that some doctors say that a cup of Joe a day is not harmful.  I have suffered from a miscarriage previously and since caffeine is a leading cause of miscarriages I choose to forgo it all together.  

Week 1 of the 2WW

So today I am officially 1/2 way through my 2 week wait!  Like my last post states I am determined not to take a pregnancy test during this time frame as it is never certain anyway.   I have been tempted to take my temperature for the first time today.  But I have again decided not to.  

Symptoms:
None

I am on progesterone so I find this a little strange. My last 2 rounds I had so many symptoms.  It's still early..



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